A letter to Lettie, my Niece I will never have the chance to tell you my most cherished memory of you is the day we met for lunch with your mother & Ian, during one of my R&R from Iraq, I arrived having spent the journey wondering what I would see or how I should approach our lunch. Your hair was cut short and even though by this time you knew your prognosis there was something different, something that I could not quite understand, as that day I saw you as a Lettie that was so confident, but in a humble way, there was a contentment, a strange peaceful aura about you that comforted me in a way that you will never know, my fears and confusion melted away in your presence, I saw you in a different light that day, and that is the memory I want to cherish, for that day you truly became my Hero, and that is the Lettie etched in my mind. You will never know just how much the thought of you, Sam, Ian, and Nicky helped me in those dark days during my life, you were my only example of a family in my mind's eye, as you had the real meaning of a family I so dearly wanted and so sorely needed, but I kept the memories close to hold onto just a little piece of sanity. Even when you were a child and the only time I took you and Sam out, I was so happy just for a few hours as your guardian even if it was to see "Rocky" and perhaps not the best informed movie selection I have ever made, and can't remember a moment of the movie but I remember your laugh and squeal of excitement, that squeal of delight so pure was ever present and just such a enchantment, weather it was watching Disney cartoons video that you wanted to be shared, but it is those memories that I held that just for an hour or two you showed me there was a life out there and maybe, just maybe, I could have one as my own. My tears are selfish for mine and others pain, and when I ask the obvious question why? I tie myself into conclusions based on self and my feelings, although I try to know others pains how can I even dare to believe that the loss of something so special as you is a feeling I can understand, or is it because it is something far too painful to imagine that I try to run, but I do know this to be true, I have the indelible regret that due to my own self-centered thoughts and fears I missed a chance to know you more and that is my ineradicable loss, with only consequences to me. So after this letter what shall I do? Say you have changed my life that your loss has some miraculous effect on my and I shall amend my ways, almost certainly not, but if I can be honest what your loss has done is to remove the excuses and lies to myself that it is ok and everything is going to be ok, because sometimes it is not going to be ok, something's are permanent and so never leave that is the reality, I guess that is the facts of life nobody can teach you and my one and only release I can see is by caring about another's pain so I am not bound by my own bondage of self, but no matter what I do have the light of my memories, although I am not proud to say that I could not bear to witness your and those so close to you heartache in those final days, but in a somewhat irrational way I am almost glad that the light of these memories are not diminished, that your wonderful smile is what comes to mind first when I think of you which is often as now seem to see so many people that just for a fleeting moment look like you but that notion soon goes as they are missing the light in your face, and for that light I will not light a candle on this site, as I don’t see the candles going out as your light for me can never fade.